Courageous, enduring, family love

Early this year they said that he stood in the hall of the home he'd lived in for more than 20 years, but was strangely confused about how to get to his bedroom. Stumped! More recently, he can no longer recognize them - sigh - and this took me back to a bittersweet celebration.

I was at a Chinese New Year dinner, replete with blinding vermillion table-cloths thrusting precarious heaps of glowing, golden mandarins into our lines of vision.

Walking to the buffet line, I recognized the young man across the room, and my heart skipped a beat. “Oh! He looks just like his father did at that age!” I winced inwardly; tears pricking my eyes. The photo of his radiant, father and glowing, mother – as they had been decades ago - was still displayed at the front; posing proudly for the camera, as couples in love often do. Walking now with Manjit was his mother, smiling into his face. Was the father still alive? All evening I wondered but dared not ask, more out of fear of what my own reactions might be, than of theirs.

Another – contemporary - picture of Manjit’s parents flashed onto the screen. The once handsome man was now confined to a wheelchair, his eyes piercing, and yet somewhat vacant too. His wife was at his feet, one of them in her hands, massaging it, lovingly. Why? Because she knew that had been one of his pleasures. Perhaps he could still connect with some of that distant delight? Anyway, it was worth it to even possibly stoke some positive memories in this Love of her life.

Pensively, I filled my plate and returned to my table, not really hungry. Didn’t feel like chatting much either. When I’d arrived I’d made a mental note to seize the first decent opportunity to leave. Why do I keep attending these gatherings when I always feel this way!!?

The glitzy PowerPoint presentation over, the elegant lady beside me seemed frozen. Faridah stayed half-turned in her chair, mesmerized by the screen. I touched her arm and she turned. Her reddened eyes glistened like the diamond pin that fastened the scarf around her head. As our eyes met, all I could mutter was “It’s so hard, isn’t it?”

Conversation around the table was genuinely warm, yet constrained by varying emotions among us. Across sat the elderly Changs. I’d seen them in the parking lot earlier on, he painstakingly guiding her faltering steps ever so gently. Both were most affable. Mr. Chang kept an eye on his wife’s plate, devotedly supervising what she was doing, ensuring that she put nothing bony into her mouth. Mrs. Chang cheerfully chipped into our conversations, with inappropriate comments which her husband good-naturedly explained away.

Between us were middle-aged Danny and his mother. She was a sweetie, her face creasing into radiant smiles as she burst into peals of laughter at her son’s loving teasing. His natural attentiveness towards her was incredibly moving – she was confident and relaxed, obviously a much-loved lady. Danny drove home the common bond among us by relating how his mother had attempted to eat the lipstick, while being dressed for dinner.

Yes, we all laughed in sympathetic camaraderie because we’d all been there too. Faridah kept looking at the four of them wistfully, sporadically declaring “at least they can still talk and laugh. My husband can’t even do that anymore.”

It’s been many years since I first met Manjit, his mother, and Faridah and her husband. They’ve been regulars at the Alzheimer’s Disease family-support-group meetings – battle-scarred veterans of an excruciating test of family love.

I remain a mere student of ‘Dementia and Her Ravages’ – my mother retains a sharp memory and has no problems recognizing me. I kept joining these lovely people to stay reminded that unconditional love is pleasantly possible. Each time I do, my initial awkwardness is quickly thawed by the way they boldly flaunt their courageous love for one another. And I find myself relaxing, blending in, and leaving much, much later than I thought I’d want to, a richer person for merely having been there with them, partaking of their incredible expressions of love.